Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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