So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
