What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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