i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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