why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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