I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
