He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
