My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
