life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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