She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
