i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
