I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
