True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
