You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
