the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
