WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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