I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
