Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
