I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
