Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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