the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
