On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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