if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
why do cheetos always look like penises
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
