How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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