i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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