i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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