i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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