I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
