Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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