I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
