I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
