"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
