every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
