something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
