so explain again why im purple
no
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
