last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
