I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
