Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
