You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
