and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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