3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
