Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
