he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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