Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
