You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
be right there i have to get my cape
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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