Just cropdusted the office
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
