you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
