i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
