just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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