We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
