I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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