Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
