in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
