We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
zippers are such a cool invention
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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